Top 5 asses that changed the course of history

We can easily agree on the fact that asses fascinate. Whether considered a charm asset, a sign of fertility or an endless source of jokes, our posteriors are tools that can be used for many different purposes. But did you know that there are a few events in which they are central to the story? Well I suggest you see some of them and it’s really amazing.

1. He shows his ass and causes 10,000 deaths

In Judea, the Roman Empire was fairly quietly installed with Ventidius Cumanus at its head (it can’t be invented). The problem is that the tensions between Jews and Romans were clearly palpable with everything that was happening in the area (like the crucifixion of Jesus) and it was during a feast for the religious festival “Pesach” that things got out of hand.

A Roman legionnaire then opened the door of the temple where Jews were feasting and showed his ass by insulting them quite violently. Inevitably the outrage had not passed and the Jews had begun to protest and throw stones at the Roman soldiers. Cumanus therefore had new troops dispatched to evacuate the temple (a stupid mistake) and a big battle broke out.

Estimates vary, some say that the event caused the death of 10,000 people while others go up to 30,000. In any case it must be understood that the soldier’s gesture was just the spark that set the gunpowder fire already in place.

2. Japan’s history changed because of a spear to the buttocks

We can very roughly relate the war preventing the unification of Japan to three warlords who were Tokugawa Ieyasu, Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Oda Nobunaga (who is the one who interests us since he launched the war). The thing is that the famous Nobunaga could have been killed long before by a rival named Uesugi Kenshin and Japan could have been unified much earlier.

The two army leaders had each won territories and battles and Kenshin had already put Nobunaga in good shape with a landslide victory over his army. He was then preparing a “final” attack to get rid of his enemy by raising a massive army when he died tragically.

One version says Kenshin died of cancer but another says he was the victim of a ninja attack while in the bathroom. In this version, Nobunaga is said to have sent a fairly small assassin to kill Kenshin and exact revenge for his defeat. The ninja then hid in the latrines until Kenshin arrived to stab him deadly with a spear right in the ass. Nobunaga therefore survived and was able to delay the unification of the country for a long time.

3. Mozart’s career taking off after a kick in the ass

Mozart was a bit like the Lil Wayne of his time, as any good music teacher would say. In 1773, he was working in the court of the ruler of the city of Salzburg Hieronymus Colloredo, but in reality he was a little pissed off. Mozart had ambition, he wanted to compose operas and become a star, not just satisfy the desires of a somewhat stupid boss (I may be oversimplifying a bit).

When he was starting to make himself known thanks to the success of an opera in Munich, his rather boring boss had forbidden him to go and perform in front of the emperor, making him understand that he was working for him and that he better take his measly salary and shut it up.

That’s when Mozart asked to be fired from his job, which Colloredo finally accepted by arranging to humiliate him one last time: he gave him a big kick in the ass. Even if his father advised him to stay working in Salzburg (and his father had influence on him), Mozart had taken the act as a humiliation (at the same time it is the case) and preferred to settle in Vienna where he clearly composed his greatest works. A nice revenge.

4. A bullet in the ass that changed the UK

It is the story of George Canning, a brilliant English man of good education and military strategist who had been challenged to a duel by Lord Castlereagh when the latter had heard that Canning wanted to remove him from his post in 1809. Canning had accepted the duel then that he didn’t know how to shoot at all.

Inevitably, during the famous event, Canning had missed his target and Castlereagh had hit him with a bullet in the ass. It was then declared a tie between the two men and no one was decided in this duel. The problem is that Canning was at the time tipped to become Prime Minister, but the information had started to turn and inevitably everyone was making fun of him by probably calling him the asshole (no that I invented, but his reputation had taken a hit).

It was only 18 years after the duel in 1927 that he had obtained his long-awaited post, but unfortunately Canning had only remained prime minister for four months before passing away. Although it is clearly impossible to know what he would have done if he had been in this position earlier, historians agree that his four months as Prime Minister laid the foundations of the Liberal Party and that he had quite a significant influence.

For his part, Lord Castlereagh, who had become depressed, had committed suicide (we do not know if the events are linked) and his nephew had begun to wonder if this disorder was not hereditary. The problem is that this nephew, Robert Fitzroy, was just going on a cruise shortly after hearing the news. Not wanting to find himself alone with his thoughts on the boat he had proposed to great minds to accompany him to chat and among them was Charles Darwin. And it was precisely during this trip that Darwin had begun to work on his theory of evolution. It’s crazy right?

5. The first Japanese attack on American soil because of a cactus in the ass

I admit that my point title may seem catchy, but no. To sum up, in February 1942, a Japanese submarine approaching the American coast began firing in all directions and bombing an oil refinery, spilling the liquid everywhere and causing panic. The thing is, the attacks seemed completely haphazard, with no real plan of attack or set target. And it was. But to understand it, you have to go back a little in time.

In the 1930s, before the war, the same submarine commanded by Kozo Nishino went to visit the oil refinery. But during this visit a terrible incident had occurred, Nishino had slipped on the beach and had fallen on his ass on a cactus, sinking thorns everywhere.

Inevitably, the American workers had clearly made fun of him by making cases of him each time they had crossed paths with him after the event. As soon as the war was announced, the commander had then taken to the sea to take revenge for this lack of respect and once on the coast had started firing in all directions, provoking the first Japanese attack in history on the American soil.


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