In life, many of us love music and sex. But did you know that there are blatant correlations between your musical tastes and your sexual practices? We have gone to investigate to the core of the truth of your soul and your genitals.
1. The French variety
- 1 1. The French variety
- 2 2. Classical music
- 3 3. Trip hop
- 4 4. Rock’n’roll
- 5 5. Folk
- 6 6. Jazz
- 7 7. Heavy Metal (and all metal types affected by the alloy concept)
- 8 8. Hip-hop, rap, reggae, r’n’b and soul
- 9 9. Garage rock and grunge
- 10 10. Electro-swing
- 11 11. K-pop
- 12 12. Fnac’s “world music” stand
- 13 13. Drum and bass
- 14 14. Goa trance
- 15 15. Nu disco
What do we mean by “French variety” will you tell me? Well, listen to it, but I will focus above all on lovers of French musical production for 10 years. Those who have at least in their discotheque the last album of Louanne or Calogero or Julien Doré or Benjamin Biolay. Then I also include Radio Nostalgie listeners who know the Ferré, Lapointe, Sardou and Starmania repertoire by heart. And then I don’t forget the Parisians who swear by La femme, Feu! Chatterton, Fauve and The Empress. We find among these people a relatively varied sexuality but mainly heterosexual and in fact slightly conservative. It fucks, but it fucks like daddy.
Favorite position: the good family missionary with socks on the feet.
2. Classical music
Classical music fans are known to be big fuckers. Especially fervent baroque music lovers who like to lubricate everything they can get their hands on. Their power of enjoyment is limitless, guys can have nasal orgasms just by listening to “Piano Sonata No. 2 in B-flat minor” by Chopin.
Favorite position: tantric sex.
3. Trip hop
You like relaxed music that gives you a cool, laid-back, pepouze atmosphere. You like groups that have a super aggressive name but whose music is rather calm like Massive Attack, Fever Ray or Birdy Nam Nam. For you sex is long, slow, and powerful. You need at least a whole album of Portishead for your preliminaries and another of Ez3kiel to make your partner cum. Because it is above all the pleasure of others that counts for you.
Favorite position: sitting, standing, upside down, squatting, squatting, and finishing on a Portuguese cart.
You liked to dance to “Rock around the clock” with one of your parents when you were a child, and since then you have perpetuated a form of incestuous desire by devoting a passion for this kind of dancing rock. Typically, you piss everyone off at a party to play the only four Chuck Berry and Eddie Cochran hits you know of and pester a lonely victim to dance with you before kicking your ass off miserably because you You’re risky at a lift but gravity betrayed you. Rock ‘n’ roll lovers really suck at fucking, although there’s something exciting about their desperate side. However, no one risks fornicating with them for fear that they will improvise an Elvis Presley sway.
Favorite position: the pelvis.
A sub-genre of soul, folk is infused into many internationally renowned groups and singers such as Ben Harper Bob Dylan and even a little Celine Dion. Among folk lovers, we fuck as if it were the last time because often we want to cut our wrists before finishing our business. So it’s a very intense sex since you never know if you’re going to end up dead of depression. Bah yes but what do you want, folfklo is folklo.
Favorite position: the red chair at the shrink.
Jazz lovers are big ass as evidenced by many books addressing this thorny issue such as “Jazz addickt” by Nick Tareum or “Lick me in the jazz” by Jean Kule. All you have to do is shove an Etta James down the hatches and the guys ooze semen from all the pores of their skin, as for a good Sidney Bechet and their orgasms are punctuated by the sound of the trumpet, it’s just not tenable.
Favorite position: the double-penetration (I’m talking about double ration of pasta).
7. Heavy Metal (and all metal types affected by the alloy concept)
Your soul is black, your heart is bleeding, your hair is greasy, your sebum is solid. Between two songs by Motörhead and Black Sabbath (not forgetting a little “Bright Lights” by Black Mountain) you like to indulge in interracial sex with consenting and rather sexy animals such as goats or gophers. In your veins flows the seed of the devil (blood type O+).
Favorite position: death.
8. Hip-hop, rap, reggae, r’n’b and soul
Yes I bring together quite varied musical styles but according to our study and our internal analyses, it would seem that the followers of these different musical groups (ranging from Eminem to Maître Guims) have exactly the same style of sexual life: a very hot fuck at the start which is most often interrupted by an untimely nap due to the many smoked firecrackers before sexual intercourse. This is also the reason why they will be forced to disappear. Indeed, never managing to complete coitus, this population struggles to reproduce.
Favorite position: sleeping.
9. Garage rock and grunge
Music of rebellion par excellence, your sexuality reflects your insubordination and your spirit of political protest. That’s why you practice sodomy in the morning when you wake up before breakfast and analingus in times of gastric instability due to prolonged listening to Foo Fighters and The Stooges.
Favorite position: Passionate sex while looking at yourself in the mirror (and brushing your teeth).
You first started out as a fan of French variety, then you wanted to differentiate yourself and bet on something a little more stylish, like jazz. The problem is that, knowing nothing about jazz, you fell back on electro-swing. And that was it for you. And don’t give a shit about Caravan Palace here, and Parov Stelar there. Question ass obviously it’s the same, we start on a form of sexual uncertainty because in fact you don’t really know what you want, as long as there is rhythm it passes cream.
Favorite position: passive/aggressive ramming.
In France, we haven’t had too many boy bands since the 90s. So you fell back on Korean boy bands. And then at least you’re sure you don’t understand the lyrics, which reduces your risk of rejecting this musical style. You like to fuck disguised as a giant panda (otherwise it’s simple you can’t get a hard-on) but also to masturbate by rubbing yourself on your poop emoji cushion. You are so kawaii that we want to expose you in a vivarium.
Favorite position: kisses.
12. Fnac’s “world music” stand
Included in this musical category are new-age music, raï, salsa, mambo, zouk and all music that is not local music so we just have to call it “music from the world” will be easier to remember. World music worshipers often wear a torn backpack, dirty shorts and a bandana. They are citizens of the world. Indeed, it was only by leaving their country of birth that they were able to find people agreeing to make love with them in exchange for a few local coins.
Preferred position: 10 euros.
13. Drum and bass
Under a catch-all electronic musical genre that brings together as many groups as Asian Dub Foundation or the Phaze, lovers of this musical style where percussion dominates the heartbeat like to make love without feelings. Dirty but effective sex, in a cloud of ashtrays.
Favorite position: teaspoons (or any piece of tableware).
14. Goa trance
Your drug use is such that the only music that can still bring you happiness is ultra-violent trance. Personally I tried to listen to a piece and I had an organ descent. Still, lovers of trance and rave parties and ecstasies also love soft and tender sex, contrary to what one might think.
Favorite position: Andromache, but also other positions as long as we kiss each other on the neck and look each other in the eyes throughout the act without flinching.
15. Nu disco
A less well-known term unlike the bands it includes such as Metronomy, Sébastien Tellier, Yuksek, Hercule & The Love Affair, or even to some extent Daft Punk, nu-disco is a style that mixes the joyful side of disco to the depressing side of new wave. His followers therefore naturally appreciate funny sex (such as a little “Pull on my finger” between two positions) before rewatching the scene of the Lion King where Mufasa he dies.
Favorite position: vaginal fart, otherwise known as “frout”.