Whether you know about beer or not, you’re always warm to drink a little binouze on the terrace in the sun, or inside in the warmth with peanuts in your gums. But thanks to my extensive studies in mechanics and molecular cuisine, I can tell you who you are based on the beer you drink.
Please note, I have only analyzed the most popular and best-selling beers in France, so please respect me, family, thank you.
People who care about Heineken are perfection made human. They have all the qualities, they cook well, are good at Uno and the President, know how to tie their shoelaces with one hand, and know the multiplication table of 7 by heart. We don’t do better on Earth.
If you drink Kro then you don’t necessarily have a lot of money but you have a big heart. In addition, you start well with a tub of beers during evenings that last all weekend. You are the person who holds the most alcohol in life.
You don’t necessarily hold alcohol but damn you are funny. Drunk or sober, everything you say is joking, even at funerals. The best is when you don’t do it on purpose, you take a corner of the table and when you fall you sell all your shares on the stock market. Hilarious.
Your life is muscle and power. Certainly you are not afraid of alcohol, but you are even less afraid of the bench press and leg day. You enjoy shaking your friends’ hands really hard and flexing your triceps at birthday parties and other pound-themed parties.
The person who drinks Carlsberg only thinks of one thing: getting caught. She loves to seduce with zouz, small keum or blunt objects. Be careful on the other hand, she respects people in a couple, but as soon as she’s single, she goes on a quality flirt.
If you drink Stella, I perceive that you are someone shy and discreet despite your altruism. But your greatest quality is your level in bed. You’re a great shot, but like really. You provide dozens of orgasms to each person to whom you offer your body.
Your thing, young person who empties from the 16, is intelligence. Indeed your IQ is so high that you learn everything by heart in a single reading, you speak 56 languages and you can also predict the future, but only on Tuesdays.
8. Hoegaarden white
Yes, I say white because when we think of Hoegaarden, we think of white (well, me personally, that’s the case). The Hoegaardeneur is a little weird, even weird, but endearing. Indeed he enjoys putting his mouth in the vacuum cleaner to see how it feels and lying on the ground on the sidewalk to test the density of the asphalt, but we love him anyway.
Ouch, if you drink Despe, you are necessarily under 20 years old, so between 18 and 19 years old (yes because you don’t drink before you are in the minority and you respect the law). You’re beardless and you haven’t experienced puberty yet. Besides, it’s 9 p.m. your parents should come and pick you up soon because after that it’s pajamas, a story and bedtime.
Well, of course, you drink Pelforth in droves, but your real thing is food. Please note that I am not talking about cooking, but about eating. In delivery, homemade, on site or to take away, that’s all you think about. You eat 6 times a day and twice at night. Your favorite dish is raclette-nutella-beef bourguignon-cousous-soy sauce and a clementine to balance it all out.
Anyone drinking Grim is too cute. This is the beer of cute people. Afterwards we really want to take them, wrap them in a duvet to make a burrito and cuddle them for a long time with their agreement. These people are the cutest in the world.
12. 33 Export
As the name suggests, you are 33 years old. Mdr but no andouille, I’m talking about export here. You love traveling, you have already been to Eastern Europe, Asia, Limoges, and you plan to go to South America and to the supermarket to buy a zucchini. But you’re a green hippie who smokes rolls and drives a van.
Your life is the risk. You don’t give a shit about the consequences and you run very fast thanks to your new sneakers. You don’t hesitate to exceed your limits like when you cross when the pedestrian turns red. You have already jumped with both feet in a puddle and once you have eaten a radish with pepper on it without crying. You are someone who is not afraid of anything.