Hello suckers. Imagine that one day, I traveled to California and even that I almost came across bears… So logically, we tackle the security advice to adopt in the face of a bear that we see displayed everywhere when you land in these risk areas. And it’s kinda funny.
1. Grossomodo the best way not to get your ass eaten by a bear is not to come across one
- 1 1. Grossomodo the best way not to get your ass eaten by a bear is not to come across one
- 2 2. Speak loudly (but not shout) and in a firm (but friendly) tone
- 3 3. Don’t hike alone
- 4 4. Make you bigger than you are
- 5 5. Sing
- 6 6. Under no circumstances, ever, ever, at any price, not even on a holy-day, give food to a bear
- 7 7. If the bear still looks venerable enough: play dead
- 8 8. NEVER turn your back on him
- 9 9. As a last resort, break out the pepper spray
- 10 10. Spin him 500 bullets
Yes then it seems stupid as advice but in fact you will get why it is appropriate. When packs of tourists arrive in Yosemite, the first thing they want to do is take a selfie with Winnie the Pooh. And no matter how much we tell them that bears should not be attracted, they will still be tempted to smear themselves with honey by running naked in the woods to cause a fatal encounter. So we say it and say it again, bears are cute like everything in photos, but only in photos.
2. Speak loudly (but not shout) and in a firm (but friendly) tone
In fact, the bear must understand that you are a human, and for that you must express yourself as such. So speak distinctly with a voice firm enough to keep him at a distance but also soft to reassure him. To help you, you can imagine that you are talking to a person that you like moderately and that you want to humiliate in public.
3. Don’t hike alone
Do you love nature so much that your trip is to walk naked in the forests? OK, we’re not judging you (us too, it’s our big love) but it is however preferable to go out accompanied when you rush into a bear zone. Quite simply because even if they can cut our throats with one kick, they are still a little freaked out to meet humans, especially when they are moving in groups. Especially when this group moves around naked.
4. Make you bigger than you are
No need to eat 17 burgers in record time, I assure you. In fact, the bear, cute as it is, does not have exactly the same perception of the world as us humans. To impress him, you must therefore pretend to be bigger than you are, for example by approaching your hiking companions and opening your arms wide and waving them. Certainly, you will pass for a bunch of morons, but you will pass for a bunch of really alive morons.
Yes, it’s in the same delirium as speaking loudly. By singing loudly, you announce in a certain way to the bear that you are around and he will naturally be tempted to get out of there so as not to cross your face and especially not to hear the filthy sound that belches from your glottis infects.
6. Under no circumstances, ever, ever, at any price, not even on a holy-day, give food to a bear
You may think that to get rid of a bear that’s a little too familiar, just throw a prime rib in his mouth and he’ll leave you alone. 100% fake. To feed a bear is to maintain it with the idea that humans are good big pigeons that spin food at all costs. So for you, it may not end in tragedy, but for the guy who lives in his cabin in the heart of the forest, it’s just a little more pronounced endangerment. That’s why you shouldn’t feed a bear, but don’t leave anything behind, not even in an open trash can, or even in your car, because these critters have very sharp noses.
7. If the bear still looks venerable enough: play dead
It takes a bit of acting. A study proves that the former students of the Cours Florent are 12% less exposed to mortality by bear attack thanks to this actoral technique which protects them from a mortal affront. In any case, this is the technique to adopt if the bear attacks, you put yourself in PLS (literally) and you wait for it to break to come back to life.
8. NEVER turn your back on him
Already because it’s rude and anyone with a little education shouldn’t have the presumption to turn their back on a person, especially when this one is a mother bear and she shows her fangs. So a word of advice, when you see a bear, you DON’T run, but you can back up slowly while continuing to look it in the eye. And you can also shit in your pants and pray that stupid bear gets tired of your pleading look.
9. As a last resort, break out the pepper spray
The best thing when you have a pepper bomb in your bag is to make yourself a little aware of the object beforehand so as not to give a damn about it and to season yourself properly to be tasted as a carpaccio. The pepper bomb does not kill the bear (thank goodness, we are not savages either, shit!) but has the merit of scaring it away (or really annoying it in this case, refer to point 7).
10. Spin him 500 bullets
Because bears are like the others, they’re only interested in money, they’re beautiful shit, that’s all.
And bears, you know what? I smash you. And if you don’t go very far on vacation and your only enemies are hornets, we also have tips for surviving a hornet’s nest. In the meantime, we pushed our research to make a video that I recommend below: